Dear Sherry
Our sons have now left home – one is at University and the other is working abroad. We miss them terribly and it’s strange for both myself and husband to not have to worry about them because in fact we are worrying about them more. We are lonely without them as we had a really good relationship with both of our boys.
Shirley

Many couples find it strange to suddenly be living alone, cooking alone, free to come and go as they please and not worry what time their offspring get in at night. Habits and worries that occupied so much of their lives outside of work are no longer present. You have to find ways to occupy your time and explore topics to talk about to provide a challenge. I know this can be especially hard when there has been a close connection between a parent and child.

What you and your husband must recognise is that this life transition brings about many different feelings: Sadness, disappointment, loneliness, excitement, confusion, boredom; along with concerns about aging or getting old. It is good to talk about it with each other … about the changes for each as an individual and as a couple, and look for ways to fill those gaps without causing distance in the marriage.

Celebrate the transition to a new relationship with your adult children and plan regular opportunities to gather such as family vacations, monthly dinners, Wednesday night phone conversations and other regular connections that you all can plan for and count on together.

Single for too long
Dear Sherry
I’m almost 30 years old and have never had a real serious girlfriend. I have a narrow social circle, and internet dating hasn’t worked. Must I resign myself to a lonely future because I am not good looking? This year’s landmark birthday is focusing my mind on past failures and making me depressed and anxious, and I’m becoming resigned to the prospect of an inescapably lonely future. I can’t help feeling that if it hasn’t happened by this time, there’s no reason why it ever should.
Michael

The dating game operates within the same rules as any free-market economy. Except that demand never outstrips supply, so every buyer/seller stands an even chance of success. The cliche says there is someone for everyone, and there’s plenty of statistical evidence to support it. Until now, you’ve opted for moping about your inadequacies. Facing 30, you’ve suddenly realised a partner could be the key to your future happiness. This is nature’s way of telling you that you’re ready to mate. All you need is a bit of practise and a lot more self-belief.

Don’t even think about looks. I have seen beautiful women with the plainest of men - if they’re equipped with a brain, the beautiful are the most qualified to know that nature’s generosity is not in itself of much inherent value. The qualities that really matter in a long-term relationship are shared values, a sense of humour, and compatible intelligence levels. This is the stuff you should be working at projecting. At least, by logging on to dating sites, you’ve figured out that the singles game has never been so accessible. You are in an era when this is seen as a fun and enviable occupation. Plus, the ‘net’ offers easy access to a community where everyone is seeking the same thing. This is so much better (and cheaper) than hanging out in bars, giving your liver a pounding, while not even knowing if the women you’re pursuing are either single or interested.

This world is all about ‘up-selling’, so pepper your self-portrait, instead of worrying about the lack of ‘meaningful’ responses to your previous attempts. The trick is not to take it all so personally nor to give up so easily. You’re 29, with the world at your feet, and on the precipice of having the time of your life - you just need to jump.

She doesn’t get me
Dear Sherry
My girlfriend does not listen to me; I might as well be talking to the door. Just a simple discussion could turn into a major argument, and I feel as if she is always challenging me. There is no doubt that we love each other, but everything turns into a major issue. I need help to understand how to get her to listen without arguing, as I don’t like arguing in front of the children.
Russell

Getting through to your partner is the responsibility of both the person who is talking and the person who is listening. When people disagree, a natural tendency is to listen with one half of your brain and build your own argument with the other half. Slowing down and really listening before answering can be challenging.

Really, the trick is to find a way to make sure that your partner is in a good space to listen. Find a good time to talk. Look for an opportunity when you two can just carve out some time to talk about what is important. Make sure that distractions are minimal, especially if it is an important conversation … so turn off the cell phones, make sure that the children are in bed, get away from the television.

Listen carefully to your partner’s response. Make sure that she really understood the point you were making. If not, gently say something like “I know that you have valid points; however, I want you to understand what I am saying before you respond.”

You may have to ‘get’ her before she can ‘get’ you. Sometimes, people can hear better if they feel that they have been heard first, so you may need to let go of your point until you let your partner know and believe that you have heard and understood her, even if you do not agree.

Moan of the week
I overheard a conversation between a man and a woman about the meaning of hook ups, dating and seeing people.

Hook up: Otherwise known as a social engagement - no romantic intent/expectations; it is a mutual agreement triggered by a joint like/want to partake in something e.g. seeing a film. There may be an aesthetic appreciation of other party, but this is not the basis or cause for arranging a hook up.

A date: An engagement between two people which is weighed towards being a romantic explorative meeting, but it is not exclusive and not with overtly romantic expected outcomes. Both parties are open and free to date others – if it is expressed. The said dating is to be exclusive. Said parties have entered the ’seeing each other’ stage. Sex/sexual intimacy at this stage does not constitute/move things on to ’seeing each other’ being exclusive or being in a relationship – such developments and expectations are best discussed AND agreed before hand.

Seeing: This tends to follow hooks ups, which have led to dates and is the final stage before entering a formal relationship - the older generation may call it courting. In this situation, two people have developed mutual romantic feelings and wish to explore further and on a more exclusive basis i.e. at this point they will not be dating other people.

Footnote: Linkage,*%#@ buddies and doing a ting are not to be confused with the above and are totally different matter….

What the devil is going on! Since when do we need a dictionary to decipher relationships! And whatever’s happened to plain old meet a person, churps them, call them, go on a date, romance, get engaged and get married!