Game, set, match
I don’t know whether to call it jealousy or insecurity. My husband and I have been married almost 30 years. Last year at my husband’s surprise birthday party, one of my friends asked who a certain woman in the room was.

When I asked why, she said, “She and your husband have been making eye contact all night, and he seems to be paying her a lot of attention.” From there on, I started watching the behaviour between them.

My husband participates in a sport with this woman’s husband, and at times we are all together. Each time I noticed more and more eye contact between them. Just to be sure I was not imagining things, I asked my sister. She thought with the looks they gave each other, something might be going on.

Late one evening, I confronted my husband. He replied, “Don’t be ridiculous.” He said he loves me and goes to participate in the sport and that is all. He was furious. I told him I loved him too, but I also said my first warning was to him, the next will be to her, and thereafter to her husband. He said if something is going on, it is all on her side.

At the next sporting event, this woman avoided me like the plague. It was like she was scared to death of me. Obviously, someone told her something. When I asked my husband if he had, he said no.

Now, even though I did nothing wrong, I am very uncomfortable around this woman. I have three decades invested in this marriage, and love this man dearly. Still, it is hard to get past this and be friends with this woman again.
Helene

Helene,
You didn’t smell perfume on your husband’s shirt or see lipstick on his collar. All you found was a woman publicly flirting with your husband. Possibly, she flirts to make herself feel good, with no real desire behind it. But when the word got out, she stopped.

You did three things. You let your circle of friends know you are an observant woman who defends her territory. You let your husband know you will confront this issue head on. And if anything was going to happen, you dumped water on the embers.

Mission accomplished. Now the key is to drop this. If the situation has stopped, let it go. If you let it go, your husband may even take it as a compliment. You have let him know how much you desire him.

With the other woman, you don’t need to be her enemy, and you don’t need to be her friend. Talk to her as you would to any other slight acquaintance. Hold your head up high as a confident married woman who will not allow anyone to sneak around behind her back.
Wayne & Tamara

Rules of conduct
I have been obsessed with a male teacher of mine for months. I am a 16-year-old girl, and he is in his late 30s, married, with young children.

We have a nice rapport and are friends in a very appropriate sense. I’ve been to his place to meet his family a couple of times. He is proper and respectful to me, as a teacher should be. However, I have a huge crush on him. I think about him constantly, and every time we exchange a few words, my heart races.

I hope this obsession will die down, but in the meantime, I want to know what to do. I know we can’t be more than friends, even though I’d love to kiss him. Should I discuss my feelings with him? I want to talk to him about it, but I don’t want him to be uncomfortable.
Darcy

Darcy,
A crush is not a ‘we thing’, it is a ‘me thing’. It is something you experience and let pass. Left alone, time takes care of it, and your letter shows you know that.

If you believe that is true, then why do you want to talk to your teacher about it? Because you still have a fantasy about making something occur. Some part of you wants to test your powers on him, even though he is not actively seeking a relationship.

In legal ethics, there is a principle known as “the appearance of evil.” What it means is that lawyers, and especially judges, should not only avoid doing things which are wrong, they should avoid even what could erroneously be perceived as being wrong. That is the position your teacher is in.

For the sake of a romantic play in your head, you could jeopardise this man’s marriage and family life, his career and place in the community. At the very least, you will strain your relationship and make him wary of being in the same room with you. Talking about this can only spoil your relationship.
Wayne