Love hurts
Dear Sherry
My girlfriend of two years ended our relationship, and I feel that my future is in shambles. She is always doing this – going back and forth, but this time she says she means it. She said she loves me but she is not in love with me. I keep on panicking and often want to call her and beg her back. I will do anything to make things right, but no matter how hard I try, she does not want to know. I can’t seem to get back to that little spot of sunlight where I felt so comfortable and safe.
Michael

This may appear hard, but I have to tell you like it is. This girl is playing you. You have just got to forget her, but I know it’s not as easy as it sounds. Please, take her off that pedestal. Don’t idolise her and build her up into something greater than she is. Don’t gaze lovingly at pictures of her, and don’t jump to answer her e-mail or phone calls. And definitely don’t go out of your way for her. She no longer deserves preferential treatment.

You have got to get closure, Michael. It’s essential to definitively end any hopes of reconciliation between the two of you. And if you can’t get that into your head, she owes you the courtesy of making it crystal clear. She should tell you: ‘I never loved you. I don’t love you now. We’ll never get back together.’ After some prodding, she’ll probably do it, just to get rid of you. It provides what therapists call ‘closure’. And you can begin to heal.

After the relationship reaches finality, you have to break off contact, or you will go mad. Don’t beg or cry. Don’t drunk-dial. Don’t send her e-mails. Don’t send packages or CDs. Don’t dedicate a song to her on the radio or Facebook. Get it? She will find you if she wants to. And even if you can talk your way back into her arms, it’s only a temporary reprieve. She already knows you want her back, and she doesn’t care. Take that as a sign.

Avoid her friends and any places she goes to, and don’t venture into her territory. You won’t be welcome. Find new places to hang out for the first few months and make new friends, if necessary. If any of your friends insist on maintaining contact with her, you may have to shut them out, too - at least temporarily. After some time has passed, you should go back to living normally, and that means hanging out at these places and reconnecting with your mutual friends. Don’t try to get your stuff back. Unless it’s a diamond ring or something that’s one-of-a-kind; you’re better off not contacting her to get it back. DVDs, clothes, your extra toothbrush… just let ‘em go. They’re only possessions. Is it really worth the pain of being in her presence just to reclaim a pair of boxer shorts? Don’t exchange your dignity for menial belongings.

Bad girl
Dear Sherry
I have been married seven years. I have had three ‘emotional’ and slightly physical affairs. I tell my husband about them when they are over. I always say that I have learnt my lesson and won’t fall into the same trap again. His response has always been that it hasn’t rocked his boat, as I have stayed with him. I can’t understand why I am encouraging relations with other men when essentially I am happy! All the literature on affairs is written about men cheating on women. Am I the only one?
Irene

No, you’re not the only wife having an affair. The figures suggest that while 60-70% of men cheat, 40-50% of women do, and rising!

But women usually use their affairs to mark the end of a former relationship. The affair is seen as not being a betrayal, but a way out of the original partnership. Men, on the other hand, are much more able to compartmentalise their lives and their sexuality - so they can carry on loving and lusting in tandem for ages without needing to end one relationship and move on to another.

I wonder whether this is what you’re doing? Perhaps you’re approaching your flings in a masculine way? If so, my only warning is this: Take care. Even though your husband says everything’s OK, one day he’ll suddenly decide he’s had enough, and you won’t be able to get him back.

Won’t be censured
Dear Sherry
I think my man is too secretive. The other day I asked him if he is attracted to any of his women friends at work and he got annoyed. I don’t see why he can’t answer – I do. I have no problem in telling him that I find somebody attractive.
Shirley

Don’t pry into this. Some women keep asking their man whether or not he is attracted to other women. A man who doesn’t look at anyone or feel anything for other women is very old, very tired or simply lying. There is nothing wrong with a man who looks at and admires other women, as long as he does it discreetly, doesn’t make a show of it in front of other people, and doesn’t use it to make you insecure or competitive with the other women.

Looking at, and responding to, others doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t find you desirable, or is comparing you. Most men fuel their sexuality and fantasies by admiring women. If you ask him to talk about it, not only will it make you nervous, but he might feel embarrassed and exposed as well. He will feel unable to do what he does naturally, without being censured. Enjoy his love for you and leave this one alone.

Moan of the week
Why is it that it’s only when you are on a diet that you suddenly notice that there are hundreds of food adverts on TV.

Should you have any questions for Sherry, or just want to share an idea or comment with her, feel free to drop her a line at: relationships@sherrydixon.net