I’ve Lost Trust
Dear Sherry,
I am a Banking executive, and I’ve lived with my girlfriend for two years. I love my job and find it rewarding and challenging. I have to do shift work, but my girlfriend has a nine-to-five weekday job in an office.

When I work at weekends, I have no problems with her going out with her friends. I’ve never expected her to stay at home on her own. Everything between us was great until one Saturday night when she got drunk and I think she had a one-night stand. She didn’t tell me, but people I know saw her kissing a guy and getting into his car. Even my mother heard the gossip, and my girlfriend didn’t deny she’d had sex with him when I quizzed her.

We’re still together, but our relationship is hanging by a thread. She wants me to forgive her, but how can I when the whole world knows she can’t be trusted. I’m focused on my career more than anything else right now, which is both a physical and emotional investment. I don’t see how I can contribute equally to a relationship that has lost trust.
Steven, 28

Steven,
Discovering infidelity in a relationship is very painful. I am sure some people have told you to walk away, but real life isn’t that simple.

Working through feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal are difficult, sometimes impossible, especially if you harbour bitter feelings or feel victimised. In truth, being drunk is no excuse, but a lot of people do stupid things when they have too much to drink… and regret it. A single one-night stand can be seen as a mistake, can’t it?

Will you be able to trust her to go out with her friends again and not worry whether she’s making out with another man? Many men can’t trust a woman who has betrayed them sexually. The hostility may be played out in controlling behaviour. A controlling man and a remorseful woman make for an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s better to leave than to hold on to an unhealthy, hostile partnership. Without forgiveness, moving forward is impossible.

Also, all work and no play makes Steven a dull boy. Instead of saying yes to work all the time, look for opportunities where you can realistically decline. Refusing doesn’t turn you into a monster or cause the loss of a job; rather, it allows you to be there for those you truly want to be with. And you’ll have time left over for yourself — to date; to work out; to relax and rejuvenate all things that make you far more appealing to your partner. In truth, the key is being reasonable about striking a balance. No one is suggesting you abandon work, family or other commitments, but if you try to make everything in life a high priority, you will feel stressed and overwhelmed. If you choose to forgive her, do some work on your relationship. If she’s desperate for a second chance, you have some serious thinking and discussing ahead. Talk to her, and work out what she really wants and whether she feels she gets it. Same goes for you.

A Bit Down
Dear Sherry,
I am on a bit of a downer at the moment. My problem of late is that I’ve been feeling as if my life isn’t progressing. I am in a decent job with a fairly average wage, but whereas my life is comfortable and predictable, my friends are seemingly thriving. They are all in high-powered jobs, drive expensive cars, and live in nice houses. While I, on the other hand, drive a second-hand car, and live in a small one-bedroom flat. I really feel bad because, on the one hand, I feel happy for them but I’m also quite envious of their lifestyles too. What should I do?
Joanne, 30

Joanne,
What’s with the self-criticism? How do you know that your friends are really, really happy? Maybe they are just doing good PR on themselves, and it’s not all that it seems. And so, what if you are driving a second-hand car? At least it’s better than the bus. Of course, everyone would like to move to a better place but let me tell you, being in a comfortable, clean, one-bedroom flat that you can afford to pay for is not a bad thing in this climate. I believe you have lost confidence and you need to start praising yourself. You’re in the best position to know how hard you work, how well you do, how many things you’ve succeeded in, and how much you care. So, pile on the praise. “I’m great at my job”; “I get noticed and appreciated at work”; “I love what I do, and succeed easily.” Come up with your own, write them down, and put them somewhere prominent. Stop looking at what they are achieving, and concentrate on what you have achieved instead. With all the money you are saving on not living a stupid lifestyle, you can book a rewarding trip to Thailand or Mexico. Bet they can’t afford to do that!

Confused
Dear Sherry,
My current girlfriend is so different to any previous girl that I have dated. She is really organised and good at her job, but when it comes to keeping a home clean, it’s the complete opposite. When we decided to move in together, I thought she would be the same as me. I could not have been more wrong. She is so untidy, never cooks, and only eats when I cook. I really love her, but her way of living is making me miserable. Am I too old fashioned for her?
Ronald, 27

Ronald,
Let me ask you this. Did this girl live in the shed when you met her? How come you didn’t notice she was untidy and that she can’t cook? I do think it’s unfair that the relationship seems one-sided when it comes to home matters. I may seem hard, but I don’t understand why these things were not discussed in the first instance, even before you jumped into the bed. You can’t presume someone is tidy, or that they like cooking. Not everyone can cook, but being untidy is no excuse – she may be damn lazy. Explain to her that you can’t stand slackness, but you must also be willing to share the chores. Modern relationships mean that men should also cook and clean – after all, both of you are eating and living in the apartment, and it’s not like in the old days, that the burden of cleaning and cooking is down to the woman. But unless you let her know what you stand for in a relationship, how will she know. Would you buy a car without the key? I think the two go hand in hand.

Moan of the week
Don’t send FWDs to my email box giving me advice on what foods to avoid and what will kill me if I eat them. Leave me alone. When I lived in the Caribbean, I was bitten by mosquitoes; flies hung around my food; and I ate at the cafés at the side of the road and I am still alive.