Lack self confidence
Sherry, you seem so confident. I’ve always lacked confidence, even when I was a little girl, and I worry about what other people think all the time - will they laugh or disapprove of me.  I see myself falling flat on my face: And then I do. I always feel so nervous inside, that I sabotage myself all the time. Can you help me to feel more confident?
Alice, 26
Alice,
Confidence is learned, not inherited. So if you lack confidence, it probably means that you were criticised or undermined as a child. Don’t panic: This lack of confidence isn’t permanent; you can still change.

Think back. What negative early messages were you given? I’m no good, I can’t do things. Then take each message and contradict it. If your message was: “I’m not popular,” remind yourself of the friends you have and stick a message on your mirror saying: “People like me.” Act as if you are popular.  You can rethink the past.  You CAN reinvent yourself.

What you think, will happen. If you think you are a failure, you’ll fail. Confident people think themselves successful and they find success. They literally run a kind of internal ‘home movie’ where they are doing well.

So, before doing something nerve-wracking, run through a positive internal ‘Home Movie’ of yourself. If you’re going for a job interview, imagine just how well you’ll do and tell yourself you’re going to succeed, even if you don’t get the job. You’ll naturally do better than you had imagined.

Though stage-fright ‘butterflies’ are useful, by reminding us to give our best performance, they can make us so physically nervous that we fail. The answer is simple: By faking it, you can often end up feeling confident quite naturally.

The secret here is that almost everyone feels like you do. Which means that while you’re busy wondering what other people think of you, they’re busy wondering what you think of them. Work at that. Help other people to feel better. Approach them; be friendly; ask questions, and compliment them. Then, not only will they like you, you’ll also be too busy concentrating on them to worry about yourself.

Read Hold Your Head Up High by Paul Hauck (Sheldon Press).  It will give you great tips for disarming other people

Bullying Manager
My immediate supervisor thinks I’m doing really well, but another manager has suddenly turned on me? She attacks me at meetings, humiliates me in front of people and criticises me in e-mail messages, which she then copies to other people. I’ve seen her do this before. Every couple of months she puts pressure on someone until they resign or she sacks them. I’ve spoken to my immediate boss, but she is his superior and he can’t protect me. I’m feeling worthless, paranoid and upset at being forced out of a good job. Is it best to just resign?
Melissa, 29

Melissa,
I’ve seen people win in these situations just by sticking it out. She will get tired of picking on you and eventually start on someone else. You already know that this has nothing to do with you. This woman behaves in this way because that’s what she’s like. She probably also bullies people who make her feel threatened, which is a compliment to you. She wouldn’t bother unless she knew you were good (and my guess is that she actually knows more about how good you are than you do).

Here’s my advice. Don’t resign. If they are going to sack you, make them do it.  You may get a pay-off. But start looking for another job right away. Just getting out there and realising that you have value will make you feel better. Your focus for now should be to consciously do things that raise your self-esteem. Maybe it’s doing some community work. Maybe it’s a new outfit, exercising more, eating better or making new friends.  Maybe it’s all of the above, but you are in charge of how you feel. The best way to win against the ‘hers’ of this world is to choose to treat yourself well. Recognise you have value and don’t let this bully undermine you. I’ve seen people win this way, but there are also other alternatives. You could keep a diary of all the bullying that goes on and inform your manager’s manager. The more people who know about this unacceptable treatment, the better and the harder it will be for the bully to flourish. You may decide to make a formal complaint and go through your organisation’s grievance procedure. But the important thing is to do whatever maintains your self-esteem and supports your self-worth. You should never suffer in silence.

Coping with the in-laws
I don’t like my mother-in-law and I am finding it increasingly hard to cope with her mood-swings. Her husband is just as bad, and it’s making my life miserable trying to be nice to these horrible people.
Gloria, 30

Gloria,
You’ve chosen each other, but you certainly haven’t chosen each other’s parents. Love them or loathe them, your in-laws are here to stay. Whatever issues you may have with your partner’s parents, chances are your other half can match them.

They are the third party, after all, and bound to be an influence on their son. The problems arise when we feel this influence becomes invasive, but aren’t able to express ourselves without risking an almighty row. We don’t choose our in-laws. There is no passionate love affair to be had here. But remember that it’s you that means the world to your partner but still his parents come as part of the package. Issues often arise because we just cannot bring ourselves to embrace them as some kind of surrogate mother and father. If this is really upsetting you, I suggest you have a frank discussion with your partner. Keep calm; don’t have shouting escalation scenarios.

And definitely don’t be rude, call them names or make reference to your upbringing vs. his. Work at finding a good solution which can work for both of you.

Moan of the week
Why don’t people use anti-perspirants? It is unacceptable for anyone to smell of BO (body odour) first thing in the morning.  I nearly died on the BUS this morning with the stench of unwashed arms. Lawd!