I have been with my boyfriend almost two years. A year into the relationship, I found him chatting with girls online and discussing the serious doubts he had about us. I confronted him. He said he was sorry and wanted to go to therapy. He claimed he’s never been so in love with someone and it scares him.

I was deeply hurt, but agreed to give him a second chance. It’s been eight months, and things are wonderful between us. I still come across hurtful things, including an e-mail to his ‘ex’ saying his life is “complicated” and our relationship “a struggle.” A note he wrote to himself says: “Be direct when you break up with her.”

He says these are just passing thoughts, and he sees a future for us. I don’t want to snoop, but how do I find out what he is really thinking?
Lynda

Lynda,
If you try to think about nothing at all, your mind will drift from favourite songs, to forgotten friends, to what’s for dinner. Those are passing thoughts. The notes a man types into a computer for others to see are active thoughts; options his brain is considering.

Your boyfriend says he wants you to just one person: You. Every day he is more conflicted, and you are more invested. When a woman keeps getting more invested in a relationship, what gets pushed to the front? All the reasons to continue — ties to his family; the fear of starting over; the disruption in her social circle.

Reality is piercing you in the heart, and you are caught in an ancient pattern of human thought. Should I act from what I wish to be true, or from what I know to be true? You wish he was honestly in love with you, but what do you know? He is telling himself and others he is not.
Wayne & Tamara

Boundaries
I had a close friend that I connected with unlike anyone else. After he mentioned his online webpage one night, I followed up with an e-mail asking when he would add me to his list of friends. His reply was a vicious message confirming that he kept me separate from his other friends. He said it was “unhealthy” to ask to be included on the list.

I felt like a leper. He went weird on me after a lovely time where we could talk about anything. Now I have anxiety about leaving my house since his world and my world are the same place. I sent him an e-mail asking for an explanation, respect, sensitivity, anything - and was ignored.

This could have ended with me being upset after a respectful explanation, yet he chose a traumatic reply. I’ve been to counseling and was told to confront this man as his behavior is strange and deserves an explanation. But my message was ignored, and now I feel a sense of shame. How do I get answers from such an illogical situation?
Deanna

Deanna,
Counseling is not a pass-key which unlocks every relationship. What your counselor didn’t tell you is that while you are free to want to know why, he is free not to tell you. Some people end a relationship with silence; some people end it with cruelty; some people end it with reasons. People will do what people will do.

A friendship is no more than an invitation to trade; it is not a guarantee of anything. A relationship ending badly is common, and the injured party often seeks an answer. If you wanted to end your relationship with this man, you might count on the right not to explain yourself. But with the shoe on the other foot, you demand an explanation.

All you need now is the ability to pass this man in a hallway without feeling embarrassed. That is something within the limits of what counseling can do.
Wayne & Tamara