I am a married woman in my 40s. Throughout the years, I’ve thought about the first guy I ever loved. We met in college when I was 18 and he was 20. We loved each other, but I was young and scared of commitment, so I kept running away from him and our relationship. Through the years, I’ve often fantasized about what might have been.

A few weeks ago, I located him on a website and wrote him a letter. I said I still think about him and wonder how he is. I did tell him that I’m happily married, but wonder what might have been.

He wrote back and told me he’s glad I’m happily married. He’s also married, and he wrote about his life, career, and family. He said he has to admit he’s also wondered what might have been. He said that given the place and time we’re both at, he doesn’t see anything wrong with two old friends catching up and corresponding.

Is it okay for us to continue writing to each other, or is this just asking for trouble?
Suree

Suree,
There’s a difference between thinking you might rob a bank and reconnoitering banks. Idle thoughts are one thing, but real people — and real banks — are another.

You’ve taken a step toward bringing a fantasy into the real world. What’s next? Chatting on the phone, exchanging photos, finding a shoulder to cry on? If your husband catches you, will you tell him you had a legitimate reason – closure — to contact this man. He may buy that, but we aren’t.

If your marriage is that happy, why would there be thoughts for another man? You’ve checked off a box on a form in your head which allows you to move forward, but your husband and his wife haven’t seen the form, much less checked off the box.

We tell ourselves lies, and the lie that goes with this man is “we are just old friends.” You aren’t. You were two people who were sexually attracted to each other. Sexual attraction sparked the contact, and the element of friendship didn’t survive that.

There is a reason we don’t vacation in a war zone, and a reason we fasten our seatbelts. We want to be safe. But you are taking off the seatbelt on your marriage. You wrote because you are pretty sure you’ve already stepped over the line.

If there is a big enough gap in your life for another man, deal with that first.
Wayne & Tamara